Don’t Love Me; Numb Me
(Social Anxiety)
Holy shit, Someone accepted me; The worst version of me...I'm going to college Mama!
High school is officially over. We made it out. Time to take what we learned and apply it.
Later, though, now we party. I'm looking for trouble; let's find it.
I'm officially moving on from the 4 years of "The High School drinking experience".
My social resume looks great; We're thriving.
This is my graduation, then we're onto "The College drinking experience".
I no longer had that contact sport to lash out onto, and all those feelings are still there.
Im lost. I'm drinking socially daily.
I'm in that same hole, just digging down a little deeper.
As soon as the alcohol hit my lips...
like a match to gasoline, my life slowly started to change from the flames.
I'm 18; I'm drinking for a different reason now. This is a funeral of my youth and responsibility, so I'm acting accordingly.
I'm blacking out, and 90% of the time I'm angry and resentful. The next morning, I'm forgetting all the bad things my anger poured from the night before, and I'm doing it again.
I'm acting like a fool. I'm hurting people along my path to destruction. In my mind, I was already portrayed as the devil and like a tazmanian devil, a monster I became.
If I didn't achieve the blackout and memory loss the night before, i considered myself unlucky and I would try again.
It ultimately worsened every emotion I was dealing with and every problem I was going through.
Now, I'm constantly waking up with hang-xiety. If you don't know what that is, god bless you, and let me explain:
To me, it's the feeling of intense anxiety and shame from poor choices during the night before. Embarrassing, out-of-character moments and those scenarios overplay through my thoughts in disgust.
This then typically leads to the PPD stage,,which I refer to as "Post Party Depression". It's essentially when my high ends. All fun nights ended with this feeling for me.
It drives from the feeling that times like this won't last. The emotions behind this are true hopelessness mixed with extreme happiness. Its a fatal recipe for disaster.
My mind, fueled by anxiet,y would often say to itself,
"Let's run this back through my head negatively and pick it apart so I can torment myself on what I did wrong in the situation".
I would justify its worth internally by saying, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD."
This is coping, this is loving; no, it was numbing.
For a long time, I chose to be numb, and I was very good at it because, for the time being, it only made life's weight feel lighter. The crash isn't till far in the future
I can't see baggage piling on my heart yet. Everyone in town drinks like this. This is normal. Drinking will help me. Look how happy everyone else is.
So as you can imagine, My Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD from trauma have always been along for the ride. I have it covered, though. Alcohol is my friend.
Like friends we became,
I would drink Alcohol, and the Alcohol would numb me from feeling or shut down the memories of those feelings temporarily. This began the start of my routine. My social anxiety was
in control, along with other things, and alcohol with driving. I could not handle sober emotions. My mask was slipping, and it wasn't till 11 years later I realized it's even harder doing it drunk.
I couldn't handle stepping out of my front door one more time with this mask slipping off my drunk face either. When I start drinking, the
The anger was already ingrained, my back was constantly against the wall, and my emotions constantly fluctuated.
This took me a long time to accept, and you'll see I chose to ignore it.
Oh no, I'm feeling emotions again. Give me a sec,
Okay,
Now I'm drunk.
My mind's buzzing whispers in my ears...
They're seeing through me. I know they're starting to figure me out.
My brain is now talking to itself, and it's playing tricks.
The inner monologue begins: "They know who you are", "You shouldn't be here," "You don't fit in," "You don't belong"...
"How can they see who I am?" I say to myself.
"I don't even know who I am." The person I look at every day is not me.
"If you can see me, why don't you see this confusion, pain, anger, and that I'm feeling alone and I'm scared?"
Life's about to change...Don't you see it? Why am I the only one feeling this way? Whatever, let's take a shot.
At this point, the highs of summer are hitting me; there's no need for therapy.
I don't have time for that. The weather is warm; the sun is shining bright, and the vibes are high.
Let's get to the beach, everyone knows the deal... time to make those small town, water town memories.
I walk out the house..."smell good, look good, feel good".
I smell like whiskey; I look awful, and I feel insane.
I'm hiding it well, I'm laughing and smiling..
This is what they expect. This is Ruben Sandos.
There's a party every weekend till the end of summer, let's tackle it.
Wake up, drink, go to the beach, Drink. Go home, shower, Drink. Power nap; let's go back out to drink. Sundown? Parents aren't home? Let's DRINK!
This summer was internally exhausting, but I'm a "weekend warrior." This is nothing.
Like many before me....I don't need help. I survived this pain before, and now I have booze, it's nothing. My friends are here. The drinks are flowing. The pain of life was taking over again, but twice as hard. The depression and anxiety are in full fledge. I'm fueling my issues with alcohol and self-harming when I'm up and when I'm down.
As the months carried on, my luck started to run out. The flame got hotter, and I continued to become a problem. A problem to myself, a problem, and for those around me.
I'm angry at myself, and I'm taking it out on friends and loved ones around me. I'm embarrassing myself with drunken stupidity.
I'm acting uncharacteristically of how I was raised, but for me, it's a perfect calling for the monster in my mind.
Well, Now Summer is over. I left on a "high" note. I left with a bang, and little did I realize this was just the first shot out of my deadly smoking gun.
In one week and school is starting again.
Now, Realization just set in. My friends are all going there in opposite directions, and I'm being abandoned again.
This is supposed to be happy; why am I taking this personally? I want what's best for everyone. I want what's best for me.
Please don’t go; This weight is too heavy.
The party's over. Now I'm going to continue this road of self-sabotaging, but at least I'm going to college.
I'm actively trying to ruin friendships and relationships. Everyone leaves eventually; I'll beat ‘em to it.
I'm resentful and hurting myself because everyone hurts me eventually, if I could just hurt them first.
Here Comes College; Here Comes Self-Medicating.
I need help; My faces are starting to mix, and I just found a new pill that takes the edge off because "socially drinking" every day isn't strong enough anymore.
Thank God,
I am Numb Now.
Till Next Week.