Is Life Going to Be Good?

I saw my boys in Salem. Everything was amazing. Halloween in Salem is unmatched. I loved it there, and the partying was successful. I decided that would be my new home.

This is where my downfall will continue. My heart's still torn to pieces, but I'm carrying on with my bad outlets. That message and the whole interaction are replaying over and over in my head daily. I already told you—my mind plays tricks. It replays situations and how I could’ve corrected them.

My negative self-talk is at a HOF level during this time. In my mind, the whole confrontation was my fault. I overreacted; I responded to the message. It upset me, and I took the blade fiercely to myself. Now I’m in deep sadness over open wounds, compounded on top of the rest of my insecurities. Luckily, it’s autumn, and I can easily get away with long sleeves.

It’s my fault for the last 19 years at this point—why my parents abandoned and neglected me.

I must’ve been too much. I'm 1 of 9 children. I am the one and only son, with 8 sisters before me and one behind. Maybe my birth was the burdened weight my biological parents couldn’t handle. My biological mother already told me it was my loss. I sat in that guilt and self-harmed on and off all the way until winter break.

I didn’t realize how satisfying it would be in the moment and how much it would help release my sadness. I didn’t realize this would start an unstoppable addiction. I didn’t realize I would enjoy it so much, and I would resort to doing this for the next 8 years.

Well, thank God, my last exam is finished, and I’m finally dragging my feet back home. I don’t remember exactly how I spent it, but I’m sure I made more poor decisions. Drank more, cut more, and took more drugs. I’m sure I indulged in more risky behavior and substances that would soften life’s blows and mental anguish.

I’m positive I hurt more friends and indulged in more risky behavior. I know I carried around a face of pain in the morning, a fake smile in the afternoons, and deep sadness at night.